What is love?
It’s not a question you ask when you have it in abundance.
It’s a question you ask when you feel you don’t have it in abundance.
I may not have the answer to it yet, but I guess I get reminded often of what it might be… Or rather feels like…
Why even ponder you ask? Well two things, one I am undergoing therapy and end up reflecting more on my emotions rather than thoughts. Two, I recently fell while trying something in an Aerial Yoga class and had a minor injury to my face & lower back. And with therapy and then this incident had me puzzled! Do I feel loved in adversities/low moments like these?
I, like many others, feel that it is a different feeling to have a special someone in your life. One who cares and shares an affection for you, even when you don’t seemingly ask for it or need it. And what if you don’t have that one, can’t you feel love ever? And in the writhing low back pain (after my fall) my thoughts ran crazy. And I took a moment to step back from my thoughts, and recollect moments that made me feel loved by my family/friends.
The first moment was the friend who helped me immediately after I fell down from the Aerial Hammock. She didn’t waste any time laughing or pondering what happened. Within seconds she was right next to me; helping me up, lightly massaging my face that hit really hard on the floor, and gently stretching my lower back that bore the impact of the fall. Her presence helped me get myself steady and feel calmer, before I could get up and head out for the day. Isn’t that a beautiful act of love!
The second moment was that of my mother, who like every mother, gasped in fear. Before she could ask how I was doing, her first lines were like I knew one day you would fall. I remember seeing you do that in class the other day. How can you be so careless… Blah blah blah… Please be careful here after. Is how she ended our conversation! At first it looks like anger, but deep down there is concern for well being, which is also an act of love. And she of course made sure I eat well the next couple of days to heal better.
The third moment was how my sister makes time to just let me rant my thoughts and worries away. She may be busy and have pretty better things to do. However she does make it a point once in a while to just sit and listen to me talk. And often provide the guidance that I might have missed.
The next moment was very different and probably a memory of what I was craving for at that instant. I remembered a conversation with a friend, who was listening to my past stories of travel and abuse incidents. He for one didn’t offer any advice to me; saying that I should have been careful, or sought group company for travel, or never travel solo, or anything else. He just offered a soft embrace to comfort me. That’s what mattered most at that moment for me to feel heard and safe. Another moment at a workshop I recently attended for healing. At the end of an activity where we randomly embraced each other, four of them hugged me at the same time. I had tears quell my eyes, as I felt warmth and joy.
These memories guided me into feeling that solitude called love that follows presence, concern, caring words and an embrace. I took to caring for my injuries, by being gentle. Touching my face, apologizing to the face for being reckless, and massaging it with gentle care, offering ice pack compression to decrease inflammation and numb pain in the area. The same with my low back, gentle breath work while I did flat back stretches, and then laid down on an ice pack. All the time talking to my body, giving gentle touches and loving words to heal.
Wondering why this ritual is important right now. For a long time, my shadow was that of a giver. I would more than easily offer the same care and affection and love to another. It is very much uncomfortable to give the same to myself. I found a way to recollect such small acts of love, to inspire myself to be the giver for myself. Baby steps to learn to receive and feel self-love. After all, that’s also love, isn’t it?
