Saying Bye to My Shadow
Sometimes you don’t know why you emote or behave a particular way;
so much so that regardless of the outcome, you keep repeating it.Sometimes you seem lost because of this pattern.
Sometimes you wonder why it always happens to me.
Sometimes you decide to totally avoid and escape.
If any of these rings a bell, then you are subject to a shadow.
Now, what does a shadow mean?
“In analytical psychology, the shadow (also known as the id, shadow aspect, or shadow archetype) is either an unconscious aspect of the personality that the conscious ego does not identify in itself or the entirety of the unconscious; that is, everything of which a person is not fully conscious.
In short, the shadow is the unknown side.
It is believed that you might have developed an emotion through your childhood (most prevalently) and that may be superseded into your conscious behaviors now. And this shadow, i.e. emotions might be driving and/or governing your life sub-consciously. It is obviously discoverable and there are energy healers, psychologists, and therapists — who can guide you through that process.
I recently identified with one such shadow, that impacted my behavior in relationships. Do note, that I am somebody who practices awareness through passive and somatic styles of movement, so I was able to understand the mentioned discomfort in my interactions. I just didn’t know that there was a shadow. I never shied away from reaching out to an energy healer/therapist. My therapist engaged in techniques such as counseling, hypnotherapy, and family constellation to help me identify the hidden shadow. I am not going to dive into the details of this process, I leave that to the best. And you can read more here if you seek further knowledge or guidance — https://sprihaa.com
My aim here is to shed light on how this whole experience ended up transforming my life.
Going back to my discomfort, I am 37 and still single. And there doesn’t go a day when I don’t really crave the emotional, physical, and intellectual comfort of a partner. First, I know that there is no one person who could fulfill all my needs. Secondly, I am an independent woman who can really function on her own and fulfill her needs the most. Lastly, I also know that there is nothing that is permanent in this life. Then why the constant itch to put myself out there and chase partners! I remember somebody advising me earlier that I am chasing emotionally unavailable men. And I think I believed it till this time. Ironically, it was not them. It was me all along.
Going back to my childhood now to help you understand what my shadow was. I have suffered sexual abuse numerous times, which I will not talk about. But you should know that it made me stronger and gave me a voice to stand up for myself. While this forms a major part of my life and I am aware of this. There was something else that I did that gave me an even stronger voice. As a child, I have been very close to my grandparents in particular my paternal grandmother. As I became a young adult I assumed responsibility of being her primary caregiver — especially when she was diagnosed with cancer, right after my parents moved to another city. I tried to be her voice in finding the support system that she lacked right then. And tended to her every need in the years to come till her demise in 2008. While this might have lasted 4 years of my university life and about 2 since I started working, I am sure I would have been her go-to voice of reason in other things in life as we shared the same living space through my childhood and teenage years.
And if you are now wondering what could be so wrong in doing something as important as this, is the fact that “I determined to be the voice for anyone else in my life, post her death”. So much so that I become the mother and sat alive to nurture them. This followed suit subconsciously in my subsequent relationships, which eventually faded. Why wouldn’t my partners stay you wonder? Well, how can they…when on one end I am this vibrant individual who can do everything. And then simultaneously I become so clingy enough to be their moving shadow, watching every move, supporting every decision, and giving myself away emotionally and physically at every need of the hour. Literally confuses the role of a giver and receiver in a relationship, as I always strived to be the giver — the big one.
I didn’t realize this pattern of being the Big One in a relationship until it resurfaced quite recently. And it didn’t resurface in an intimate relationship, but with my sibling. Owing to our studies and work, both my sister and me have had very little time when we were together as teenagers/adults. And we got to share more time in recent years and also due to COVID lockdowns. I then became her voice when she chose to start her life with her partner. Which was a nightmare owing to me being the elder who was still single (Ah, the simple nuances of what is allowed and not allowed in our Indian life). I had to fight and be the one to make everything move until all the events in her wedding took place, which happened to be amidst COVID’s second wave. Or now that I look back, I so believed that I was the one responsible for a smooth wedding 😅 Why do I say so? Because once she moved out, there was nobody left in my life to assume the voice or be the big one in their life.
Who is the next project, or rather whom do I babysit now?
And so started a dating & depression cycle that lasted 9 months, till I sought therapy!
As soon as I discovered this shadow in my therapy, my life changed instantly.
“A slingshot from my shadow old age to the lively child in me occurred!”
All these again because I was so caught up in emoting her needs that I ended up looking almost like her, short, chubby, and aged. My fast, always in a hurried voice changed to sweet, soft, and slow. The fat in my face melted away, so much so that I can feel the insides of my mouth closer to my lips. Heavy lifting feeling from my shoulders dropped. A gnawing pain arose in my lower back and around my hips, as the stored emotional energy dissipated. And these are just the physical changes in my body.
Emotionally I immediately started feeling lighter in my mind. Incessant thoughts of finding a partner, in the pretext of being the big one or the big giver, subsided. I reached a space where I know I can now freely receive without having to constantly put myself under the pressure of relentlessly giving to anybody or somebody.
It’s strange how help comes your way when you are ready. From the newfound friend who taught me how to receive, to another friend who guided me to the right therapist. And the therapist, who challenged me whenever I said I don’t know and guided me to accept myself to receive without judgment.
Rejoicing this transformation, I got a tiny memoir in the form of a tattoo. Infinity Love Butterfly tattoo— Infinity Love is a reminder to express and share never-ending and limitless love towards self first and then to others. And the butterfly is a metaphor representing spiritual rebirth, transformation, change, hope, and life.
And as my sister described the tattoo “It looks like you are sitting in lotus pose and a butterfly has landed on your thigh!”
Yes, I emerge as a butterfly in this new chapter of my life, being more aware and more present.
I hope this excerpt serves the confidence of those in need of therapy to a blissful life. And I know wherever my sweet grandmother is, she will be happy that she is in a way responsible for helping me find my voice, as well as sharing it for those in need!
